10 Reasons Lemmy is God and Jesus is a Loser

If your a Christian, than Jesus Christ is your Lord and savior. If your a sane person who happens to like hard rock and heavy metal, than Lemmy Kilmeister is your Lord and savior. Christians will talk all day long about how great Jesus is and why we all need to get on our knees and thank this crazy miracle spinner from Nazareth for saving our fucking souls from his fucking crazy evil dad. Well listen here dumb dumbs, I have ten solid reasons why my god, Lemmy Kilmeister, is better than your god, Jesus Christ. Let the blasphemy begin.

10. Sex:

What do all humans love? Sex. Anyone who doesn't is either doing it horribly wrong or is fucking lying to themselves (let your hard cock or your wet vagina be your answer). Without sex life would suck, women would have been disposed of centuries ago and..... oh ya none of us would be fucking alive. Dam. In the sex category the chips are stacked pretty exclusively in one corner. Although we don't have an exact number, Lemmy is believed to have bedded somewhere between 1,2000 and 2,000 women, and that number is still growing. Jesus on the other hand was a lot less receptive to his own father's endorsement of sex (to be fair Lemmy didn't do to well on the whole multiplying thing), according to the Bible Jesus fucked approximately.......'flipping through Bible'......... 0 women. That's right Jesus fucked no one. The only pussy he experienced was the one he crawled out of. Wow, people call him the greatest man who ever lived and he never even orgasmed once in a bitch's who-ha; very shocking indeed. I know some "special" Christians will argue that Jesus did indeed fuck Mary Magdalene, to which I can only respond "fucking prove it". Even if we did give Jesus Mary Magdalene as a lay, we're still looking at a very conservative 1 vs. 1,200. Ouch, though Lemmy would approve of Jesus supposedly fucking a whore, he's done plenty himself.

9. Literature:

When worshipping an individual, a follower will often wish to know as much about his person as possible. Knowing about their personal history, thoughts, philosophies, and deeds act as the foundation for why we think this person is so highly respectable and therefore worthy of our worship. Accurate information than is wholly important and extremely prized. Unfortunately for Christians, Jesus didn't leave any. He didn't write a book, a journal, a letter, a list of good ideas, fucking nothing. Sure, now you JesusFreaks are going to piss and moan about the gospels being written by eye witness followers of Jesus, again  I say, "fucking prove it." If anything, the facts point to them being written decades after Jesus was dead and buried (ummm the second time) and written by followers of followers (of followers). But let's turn off our brains and ignore historical and textual evidence, and instead agree that yep Jesus's homeboys wrote a whole mess of shit about him. Cool, but it still doesn't mean dick. Want to know about Lemmy, well the man's done about a billion interviews, has been in movies, on television, captured in pictures, and acknowledged by thousands (maybe millions) of individuals. And the Ace of Spades in this category JesusFreaks, Lemmy actually wrote his own autobiography in 2002 with some help from Janiss Garza. It's called White Line Fever, and it has Lemmy detailing his own life, beliefs, opinions, and philosophies in his own fucking words. Suck on that. Jesus never wrote no god dam book, hell we don't even know if he could read and write.....hmmmm maybe this list won't be so hard to write after all.

8. Recognition:

Quick question here Captain Christen, what does your Mr. Jesus look like? Oh, he's a slender white male with soft features, well groomed brown hair down to his shoulders, a matching well trimmed beard, and Jedi like robes. Interesting, but fucking WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOOOONNNNNNNGGGGG!! There's a novel idea, Jesus lived in the Middle East so maybe he was fucking Middle Eastern. Dam, white America's not going to like that at all, those are the people who fly planes into our shit. Oh well, the real point here is none of Jesus's millions and millions of followers over the last two thousand years has any fucking idea what he looks like, we have a better idea of what fucking Aristotle and Alexander the Great looked like and they lived way before Jesus did. But what about Lemmy, does anyone have any idea what he looks like? Ya, he's only one of the most recognizable people in the world of hard rock and heavy metal; people who have  never even heard a Motorhead song (except maybe "Ace of Spades") know this man; the warts, the sideburns, the weathered face, and the bottle of Jack in his right hand. Sorry Jesus, you fucking lose again.



Ya you wish he looked like this America.



Odds are he actually looked something like this.



7. Ministry:

Right off the back here we need to make some clarifications. Jesus has been dead for around 2,000 years (one year for every chick Lemmy has fucked) and since his passing, a shit load of people have warped, altered, and rewrote his fucking ministry into the bullshit we see and read about today. Christians are going to thing this category is a slam dunk for The Christ, but think again nutsacks. To make this fair one must level the playing field, so only the ministry accomplished during Jesus's own life will count. Ahhh, your shacking your head now huh Captain Christian, cause you know your boy just fucking lost. As a preacher trying to amass followers, Jesus was pretty pathetic. Despite supposedly raising the dead, walking on water, and having the really stupid ability to create bread and wine at the drop of a hat, Jesus's own family, friends, and countrymen largely ignored his ministry. No scholar or historian living in Jesus's time and place felt him noteworthy enough to mention, even when his death caused zombies to rise from the dead and wander Jerusalem (Matthew 27:52-53 "“The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life. They came out of the tombs, and after Jesus’ resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many people.”). Jesus's ministry only lasted a couple years (scholars estimate between 1 and 3), only reached a few locations in one small part of the world. How many people do you think actually heard Jesus speak? A couple hundred, a thousand, and this was a message that supposedly affects every human on the planet, past and present. On the other side of the coin, Lemmy has preached the gospel of Motorhead for 35 years (longer than Jesus's entire life let alone his ministry) across the whole world. He's released twenty studio albums, not to mention a shitload of Live and compilation albums, and played live to millions of passionate rock and metal fans. I could sing the praises of this ministry further but why bother, Lemmy's clearly won.  

6. Past Job Experience:

So before they were great, what kind of activites were Jesus and Lemmy up to? Well Lemmy cut his teeth in the music business by being a roadie for Jimi Hendrix. You read correctly, Lemmy was a roadie for the most celebrated guitarist in Rock history. He carried amps, guitars, and helped set up the stage for the fucking Jimi Hendrix Experience. Not to fucking shabby eh, he was also in the psychedelic band Hawkwind, playing bass and occasionally singing. What about ole Jesus, what did he do before he started his ministry. Well......we don't really know, in the Bible he jumps from being like 12 to 30. His daddy (or step daddy) was a carpenter so maybe old J was helping him make tables and shit, I dunno, he was probably a follower of John the Baptist before John got beheaded (lol). Hmmm, so who wins here, working for Jimi Hendrix or a bunch of maybes. Ya, Lemmy's still kicking his ass.

5. Gospel:

Alright so you read the fucking Bible (big long fucking bore of a time that is) and Jesus's gospel basically boils down to, "I love you, so worship me, repent and prepare for the coming Kingdom of God or you'll burn in Hell for all eternity." The last bit is a little hard to swallow, especially coming from a dessert nobody who claims to be the son of god, or if your a really retarded Christian, God himself (part of some super brain fuck trinity deal). Not sure why God can't confirm this man himself, but ya lol, he works in super fucking mysterious ways. So Jesus gives us the fun option of doing what he says or suffering forever, what's the Mr. Kilmeister after? Well Lemmy's certainly said a lot more than JC, and if I was forced to boil Motorhead's 20 studio albums into an overall theme or message I guess it would be: "Rock out, fuck woman, have a good time, be yourself,  party, don't let anyone stand in your way, have a few drinks, don't trust people in power, and fuck off." Might not sound ideal for a cathedral sermon, but man there is some definite truth in those words and wonderfully without the harsh ultimatums. Pick whichever you like, but for me big threats don't mean a whole hell of a lot if their not backed up with substantial proof. Plus, I've rocked out with Lemmy before, and it's one hell of a good time.

4. Crew:

Every leader (and for some reason gods do too) needs a bad ass crew to back them up. Lemmy has had a few different crews in the past (Phil Taylor and Eddie Clarke perhaps the most famous), but his current crew is his also his longest, Phil Campell and Mikkey Dee. Phil has been Lemmy's right hand guitarist since 1984, and a 12 year old Phil even got an autograph from Lemmy back when he was in Hawkwind. Behind the skins, Mikkey Dee is one of the best drummers in hard rock/metal today, and is considered a small celebrity in Europe. He first rose to fame in the mid-80s drumming for King Diamond, and later joined the ranks of Motorhead in 1992. With Lemmy, these two men have toured the world, performed hundreds of concerts in front of thousands of individuals, and have recorded 8 studio albums together. They look and act like Rock & Roll pirates, playing everything louder than everything else. Jebus on the other hand, is believed to have a crew of twelve at his disposal. Like most things, the Gospels can't agree on who the twelve apostles actually are, one would think that would be important, and they are a sad pathetic bunch. Jesus ropes them into his fold, with stupefying sermons, empty (at least unproven) promises, and strange rallying points ("abandon your families, your possessions, and follow me). Once in the club, the Gospels describe these men repeatedly as stupid, short sighted, ignorant, and forgetful cowards who constantly ask Jesus retarded questions he's already answered and at times anger him to the point where he verbally lashes out on them. Seriously it's like Jesus is driving the short bus here, the apostles being more of a distraction and frustration than any help. The only one of them that seems to have any brains is Judas, he wisely sells Jesus out to the Pharisees knowing that unless this motherfucker is martyred none of us are ever going to be remembered (of course JC freaks claim Jesus knew this was coming all along and allowed it to go down as part of his great cosmic play. sure, sure buddy isn't hindsight fun?). They don't even seem like friends, the apostles are always so estranged from Jesus not knowing how to act around him: plus they all go into hiding and pretend not to know Jesus once he's arrested. Obviously Lemmy, Phil, and Mikkey are the better crew.

3. Followers:

Besides the millions of fans Lemmy and Motorhead have all over the world, there are also hoards of celebrities and musicians that are disciples of Lemmy. To name a few: Dave Grohl, Metallica, Ozzy Osbourne, Alice Cooper, Triple H, Johnny Knoxville, and Slash. For Jesus, remember we're staying within his own life now, we got........shit, the same assholes who were his apostles. Well I guess we can add a few individuals he supposedly worked his magic on, plus a few ladies, his mom, his aunt, and Mary Magdalen. Jesus sadly never amassed much of a following during his life, I think we're looking at Charlie Manson numbers here, so Lemmy gets the cake here too. Sure in 2,000 years Jesus supposedly has a shit load of followers, but do they really worship and practice what Jesus actually preached? Besides, how many followers Lemmy will have in 2,000 years? Hard to say, especially since I doubt he'll be killed by a governing body he pissed off and have a bunch of idiots make up divine stories about him, but you never know.

2. Empty Promises:

You know what's fun, promising people shit with no intent to actually fulfill any of those promises. Oh wait, that's not fun that's just being a fucking asshole. Hey buddy, if you give me $200 now, when I when the lottery in a couple years I'll give you a million dollars. Oh shit sounds like a great deal huh, ya but the thing is I'm pretty sure I'm not going to win the lottery; I don't even buy the tickets. Jesus took this line of promise making to a real dickish extreme, "Yo moronic apostles, if you follow me, worship me, do what I say, than when you die you'll go to Heaven and live in paradise for eternity." Man o'man, that's a sweet deal right there, but Jesus had the foresight to make his offer even better by adding the fun clincher, "Oh, and by the way if you decide worshipping me and living in my paradise in the sky for eternity really isn't your thang, than you'll burn in Hell forever." Sweet, it's like a bullshit promise sandwich. Of course in the 2,000 years since this promise was made there is not a shred of evidence it's actually legit. Of course Jesus make other empty promises like telling his followers (on several occasions) that he would return in their lifetime. Huh, that one really didn't happen did it. As for Lemmy, his broken promises include............uh.......actually I can't think of any. He's always given his fans the same thing for 35 years, constant tours, constant albums, and the same ass-kicking, Jack Daniels drinking, chain smoking rock star we've all come to love. Even his music has stayed the same, unlike pretty much every other artist, Lemmy and Motorhead have kept to the same style and sound both they and their fans love. You know what you're getting from Lemmy, no bullshit.

10. Quick Points:
Lemmy dresses better than Jesus. Lemmy has a rock band. Lemmy could drink Jesus under the table. Lemmy is 100% real (easily proven). Lemmy collects Nazi paraphernalia, and Jesus collects people's souls. Lemmy is a living breathing bad-ass, and Jesus is a dead piece of shit.
Plus he can do this too:

Lemmy on religion from a 2004 interview from Classic Rock Magazine:

I'm not religious. My father was a priest. Anglican vicar, church of England. He left my mother and me when I was three months old, so that let religion down, right there. Then my mother wanted to marry my stepfather and he was Roman Catholic- he'd been devout all his life- so he wrote to the Vatican to get dispensation to marry my mother because she was a divorcee. They sent him a letter-this is the Vatican, right? The fucking Pope-saying that he could only marry my mother if he declared me illegitimate. That's the church man. A fashion show for fags. So he wrote back and said, "Ex-communicate my ass," and they did. They ex-communicated him. It didn't seem to blight his happiness at all, from what I could see.

God's a crutch for people who don't know who they are. I'm responsible for what I do. And I'll take responsibility for everything I've said and everything I've done. I don't need to hide behind the devil. "Oh, the devil made me do it!" Well, you shoulda put your fingers in your fucking ears! God would've helped you put your fingers in your ears, wouldn't he? Might have even put his Holy fingers in your ears.

If I believe in anything, I believe in reincarnation because you have these flashes of memory of something you've never known before. And then you have periods of History you're really interested in and other periods you couldn't give a shit about-even though they're just as interesting as a period. But you just don't have a connection with them, somehow. Other bits you have a connection and I think it's because you were alive in those bits. That makes sense to me. But then, who says it has to make sense?

Ink Magazine in 2008-
Lemmy: I'm an agnostic, really. I'll wait and see … and I can wait. But I'm not afraid of dying. What's the point of being afraid of the inevitable. I just hope it won't be in a hospital surrounded by assholes and tubes up your nose, you know? My ethic is, "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die." You can be as careful as you want, but you're gonna die anyway, so why not have fun?

So that's my list, and I think it's pretty obvious that Lemmy is better than Jesus. If your a Christian and disagree, well than your a fucking moron.
 
Bonus:
Lemmy was born on December 24, a day before Jesus's pretend birthday. So from here on out, Christmas Eve is being renamed Lemmymas. So party, have a little Jack, and rock out to some Motorhead.