Rock on The Range Rumors

2011 Lineup?

10 Reasons Lemmy is God and Jesus is a Loser

If your a Christian, than Jesus Christ is your Lord and savior. If your a sane person who happens to like hard rock and heavy metal, than Lemmy Kilmeister is your Lord and savior. Christians will talk all day long about how great Jesus is and why we all need to get on our knees and thank this crazy miracle spinner from Nazareth for saving our fucking souls from his fucking crazy evil dad. Well listen here dumb dumbs, I have ten solid reasons why my god, Lemmy Kilmeister, is better than your god, Jesus Christ. Let the blasphemy begin.

No Thanks...The Worst Concert Performance I've Seen

1. Lou Reed

Fuck Lou Reed. After seeing Ozzy I was sympathetic but disapointed. After David Allen Coe, I was confused and a bit disalusioned. But after seeing Lou Reed live, I was fucking pissed off. Before tearing into this, and yes I realize this blog is getting long as fuck (feel free to take a milk and cookie break), I'll give a little back information. Lou Reed on all accounts is considered by many to be a rock icon. He hasn't exactly sold a shit ton of albums, but music critics love him to death both as the lead singer of The Velvet Underground, as for being a solo artist. As a music lover and concert goer, I am very resetive to legends, even if I'm not that familiar with their actual body of work. When I saw that Lou Reed was slated to be at Lollapalooza in 2009, it was pretty much a done deal that I was going to go see him; his name was just to prolific to pass up. I knew a few Velvet Underground songs, their self-titled third album is fucking awesome, and decided my brother's copy of The Best of Lou Reed was a good enough study guide for the concert. I listened to the album five or six times of a month period, and really enjoyed it; further cementing my commitment to see Reed's performance at Lollapalooza. For anyone that's never been to Lollapalooza, it's a fucking amazing time, but unfortunatley bands overlapp so it's pretty impossible to see every good band there (unless you're a moron and run from stage to stage never seeing a full set). I went with my youngest brother that year (technically my cousin went too, but we wont talk about him), and we had our three days planned out to the T. The only thing we didnt agree on was Sunday night, so after watching Dan Auerbach's set we went our seperate ways. He traveled to the other side of the park to watch Snoop Dogg and get a great spot upfront for The Killers (completely ignoring Silversun Pickups), while I bedded with the goal of seeing Jane's Addiction. My plan was simple: I'd relax on the grass watching Lou Reed's set, mozzy on over to the very nearby Playstation Stage to see Band of Horses, and than leave around halway through their set to secure a good spot to rock out full force to Jane's Addiction. Sounds like a pretty musically wonderful evening right? Well I hadn't factored in Lou Reed being a piece of shit.

The Beatles in Minnesota

If I had a time machine I would go to a fuck load of concerts, Elvis, Jimi Hendrix, Pantera, Nirvana, Queen, Led Zepplin, the list goes on and on. Getting to see music's mightest legends performing in their prime would be an incredible experience, or would it? What if it sucked, what if it were a complete waste of your time machine hopping time (dammit I could be pummeling Jesus right now)? Take the Beatles for instance (we'll talk about how The Doors sucked live another time), the biggest fucking band in the history of rock, you'd definately have to go see them right? Eh...proably not, excluding the rooftop concert in 1969, seeing The Beatles live was no great accomplishment, the overall majority of their concerts sucked dick. How dare I say somthing so blasphemous, dogg the most famous band in modern history, well listen up motherfuckers because it's absolutely true.

No Thanks....Even worse concert performance

Worse that Ozzy, this is the second performance on my list. From my magical concert year of 2008, it didn't help matters that the night before this shitty performance I saw NIN live at the Target Center; man, it was fucking amazing. Words can hardly describe the amazing spectacle.........Any way here's

No Thanks....Worse Concert Performances

I've been to near 200 concerts in my short concert life (if my concert self was a person he'd only be six years old), and in them I've witnessed some pretty bad performances and forgettable shows. I was planning on combing through my concert list and reliving the 10 worst performances I'd witnessed as a concert goer, but than I realized there are only really 3 performances that stick out in my mind. Why search for some long lost poor performances, especially when it was most likely by some opening band no one gives to shits about. So instead, I present the three worst concert performances I've had the sad misfortune to witness, all done by big name musicians (no nobodys here mate) over the next three days. Enjoy.

To Space with David Bowie and Major Tom

David Bowie is a fucking genius. Everything he does is golden, and man he does it all. He can sing, dance, stylize, produce, act, and hold audiences spellbound for decades. Today we're going to sample a small piece of that genius, and go to space with David Bowie and his legendary fictionally character Major Tom. While it's always tempting for an artist to re-visit a song or personal that initially launched their career, few have been able to pull it off. Usually it comes off as hokey, poorly planned, and taking away from the original. This can not be said of Bowie's Major Tom. He has visited the character on three different occasions, and each has been artistically and commercially sound. Let's take a closer look.

Goals 2011

I know it's a bit early, but the falling snow and winter storms have me dreaming of next year's concert season. Unfortunately 2010 was a bit of a bust year, where more concerts went missed than seen. U2 was postponed, Simon and Garfunkell cancelled, not to mention Willie Nelson postponed 6 months. No matter though, I saw some great acts over the year and in 2011 is gonna be even greater. So here is a short list of goals for the 2011 year (hopefully I can keep a few of them).

read more after the jump

A Look at Dio's Discography

So we looked at the album covers of Ozzy and Black Sabbath, it would seem that the next logical choice would be to look at the albums of the one and only Ronnie James Dio. We're  not going to hit every album from Dio's early career, but focus mainly on the Dio Band. Come On, ride that Tiger!!

So the first Rock group Ronnie was in was called Elf. Kind of ironic seeing as Ronnie really wasn't the tallest of Metal Gods. For their 1972 debut, they went with this album cover, a close up of a creepy elf looking dude. God dammit Santa's helpers looking fucking mean when you get up close and personal with them. I know Ronnie is dead and all, and I don't mean to be offensive, but is that Dio on the cover. It kinda looks like him just with rosey checks and pointed ears. Alright so this album is pretty bad ass and fucking metal as sin, good way to get things started.

Boooo, Elf's 1974 follow up sucks dick. You guys did so well on your debut, a scary looking fucking Elf dude and you follow it up with this mediocre shit. Fore shame. Dio is the guy in the yellow shirt standing on his tip toes to try and appear taller than the rest of the band. You can barely even see the name of the band on here, could just as easily been a fucking Monkees album.

Wow, while I think this album has a pretty cool title, the cover sucks dick. How the hell did they think that looked good? Dio that is not the proper way to burn the sun, actually now that I think about it for a minute the album title is fucking stupid. You cant burn the sun, its a fucking ball of fiery infernos. It's like saying I'm gonna freeze this ice cube, it's already frozen you fucking idiot. Elf was off to such a good start, they must of started using drugs (or maybe stopped).

1975 Elf is dead and long live Rainbow. Wait...he went from a band called Elf to Rainbow, and he's a heavy metal fucking legend, these sound like queer butt plug bands or children's Saturday morning cartoon shows. Yeah, looking at the cover of Rainbow's first album doesn't look very hard rock or heavy metal. It's too fucking colorful, and rainbows are not very metal. Reminds me of some fucking Rainbow Bright shit. The moon in the back does kinda look like the Perfect Circle logo though, that's kinda cool. I don't hate this album but come on man, you cant call your band fucking rainbow and than but out girlie looking shit like this.

Oh ya here we fucking go. On their second album, Rainbow decided we're not going to put out anymore fucking pussy looking little girl covers. No, this shit is hard rocking to the bones, we're gonna grab this fucking rainbow and fuck it's shit up. I dunno is this is the hand of god or some huge fucking giant, but the small looking medieval guy in the lower left hand corner must be loosing his mind. Walking up a climb by some ocean and suddenly a giant hand appears and fucking ownes a rainbow. Epic.

Sigh, on Rainbow's third album, released in 1978, the epicness went out the door. Instead of any rainbow related scenes, with castles and mountains, like we saw in the last two albums, we get a picture of a giant clump of hair that happens to contain the heads of the Rainbow band. It's a nice album title, and I can understand wanting to see your face on an album cover, but the boys really blew it here. Probably why Dio left the band.

In 1983, Dio left Black Sabbath and formed his own band, The Dio Band. Proving he was a bad ass motherfucker with or without Sabbath, take a gander at this album cover for Holy Diver. Pure Metal awesomeness. Meet Murray, the Dio band's mascot and a mean demon like creature willing to fuck up your shit. This is the exact scenario I would like to see go down for all those fucking Catholic Priest that molested little boys. That's right, Murray's coming to fucking kill you ass holes. I also think its bad ass that Murray has the demon horns pressed against his chest. Your best album so far Ronnie.

A year has passed and it looks like Murray has gone power hungry. It wasn't enough to just kill all the priest and pedophiles in the world, apparently Murray had to conquer the entire human race and put us into some sort of Mad Max like post Apocalypse state. Judging from the album title, The Last in Line, and the harsh look on Murray's face, I'd say hes fixing to pretty much murder us all. Nice album Dio, but did you have to doom all humanity?

Dammit Dio, where the fuck is Murray. I though we were gonna do some Iron Maiden shit and he would be on every cover. Now we get this hokey looking Medieval album cover, with a dragon in a crystal ball. It's just not anywhere as cool as the last two album covers. The dragon looks fucking stupid, and Dio you need to cut your fucking nails, you're not a witch for god's sake. Murray would kick that dragon's ass anyhow. Why can't we get three good album covers in a row, why? Looks like the dragon's doing a fucking Rubik's cube. Dumb dumb dumb.

This is a live album from 1986. I'm not gonna lie, the picture looks absolutely like shit. Who the fuck drew this, why not just put an actual pic from a concert instead of having some dude draw one. Apparently Dio has a large mechanic dragon he would attack during their live shows, which sounds awesome and makes me wish I could have seen Dio back in the day. They totally could have made this look better though, and I still miss Murray.

Hell yes Murray is back, and.....hmmm looks like he's about to terrorize some little girl sleeping with her thumb in her mouth. I was all down for you to terrorize priest, and I really didnt' mind you enslaving mankind, but what did this lil girl do. Oh wait, looks like she was reading some kind of book, probably of witchcraft, explains all the creepy shit crawling over and under her bed. Murray's probably just there to aid her fight this evil scourge, like he helped her brother fight the molesting priest, you the man Murray. Rock on.

Hey we're in the 1990s, and Dio has a simple message: Lock up the Wolves. Taking a gander at the two gracing your cover, I tend to agree. They look like blood thirsty assholes just waiting to tear into my flesh. Their owner additionally looks like the kind of character I prefer to avoid. Anyone who goes out wearing antlers and a cape that fucking big, is not someone I want to befriend. Pretty good cover Dio, its creepy, it's hard rock, it's metal.

After a short lived reunion with Sabbath, Dio was back on his own and released Strange Highways in 1994. Strange indeed. Instead of Murray, a dragon, or some scary wolves we get this new agey mind shit on our cover. It reminds me of something out of a Tool video, it that video sucked dick and lost all its cool graphics and visuals. Here we have a naked man in a spiralling pool, or maybe those are clouds, shits fuming out of his visible brain while skull monkeys sit on it. We also see green lightning, and some bullshit symbols and crap. I don't like this Dio, don't let it happen again.

Haha, holy shit now we're talking. We got some crazy ass killer robots blowing the shit out of people. The robots themselves do not look like the most intelligent designs, they're like bipedal battle bots, but hey I'm sure they kill just fine. I'm not sure why Dio would put killer robots on his album cover, but it's a hard concept to really argue against. The totally should make action figures out of these dudes.

In 2000, The Dio band released Magica. Umm, not really sure who this mother fucker on the cover is. Looks like some kind of Mongolian a couple hundred years old. No, this must be what the mobsters from The Mob Rules look like under their turbans. Real nasty looking fucks huh.

I'ts been quite a few years, but Dio has finally decide to kill that stupid dragon from his third album. Sad thing is, now the dragon actually looks pretty cool. Dam. Ronnie your last couple album covers have been all over the place, new age shit, killer robots, Mongolian, and now a fucking dragon, what's going on in that metal mind of yours? While I like this album, and am glad you've finally gotten an album artist that can fucking draw, I want to put in a request to see Murray again. Whats that fuck up to?

Well my Murray request has not been answered, but fuck take a look at his dude from Dios' 2004 album. Apparently he's the master of the moon, strongly explaining why NASA doesn't go there anymore. He looks very badass and metally, also could easily be a character from WOW. I like how his bracelet is creaming for help, omg, I wonder if that was the man on the moon. Shit, he got fucked up good. Sadly this is the last studio album released by the Dio band.

I'm gonna spare us going over the remaining live albums Dio has put out. Looking at his discography overall, Ronnie was way more constant and bad ass than either Sabbath or Ozzy. He made some fucking sweet and epic album covers.

A Look at Black Sabbath's Discography

After getting through Ozzy's discography, I felt like we kind of abandoned Sabbath, Ozzy's old band. So today we're gonna pick up were we left off and take a look at the remaining cover's of Black Sabbath's legendary career. Enjoy.

Ozzy kicked out of the band and replaced with the legendary Ronnie James Dio, Black Sabbath released Heaven and Hell in 1980. The cover is iconic showing a couple of angels playing cards and having a smoke. Not the kind of activity one would expect from angels, but hey, it's suppose to be Heaven right, were all our magical fantasies come true (hahaha). As much as I love the concept of this album cover, and recognize it's iconic status, when I look at it closely and long enough, I can't help but wish the angels were drawn a tad bit hottier. Oh well, it's a vast improvement over the last several Sabbath albums so we won't criticize to hard. Hmmm...those are cigarettes those angles are smoking right?

One year later and we're on album two with Ronnie. This cover is awesome, it's dirty, menacing, and different from anything else the band has done. I don't know if these well bundled dudes are for or against Black Sabbath (I'm going for based on the graffiti on the wall) but they look like they mean business. Maybe while the angels were taking their smoke brake, the whole fucking world went to shit, and is now run by this roaming gang of wooly ass kickers. The lead (I keep wanting to call them Jawas) in brandishing a whip, so you know he means buisness, and I have no idea what the fuck that wooden door thing is in the center; though it's funny to me a rosary is hanging off of it. Great cover boys, the Ronnie years are thus far rocking my shit.

Hip hip hooray, it's live album time. That's right Ozzy your not the only one that can release live music. This 1982 live album, has Ronnie James Dio tackling tracks from both Ozzy's and his own time with Sabbath. The album cover....sucks. I'm not gonnna beat around the bush about it, this album really looks like shit. Little wonder Ozzy's live album of Sabbath covers purposely released right before this sold better. It looks like the cover to some horribly cheap role playing game from the 80s or shitty computer game from the 90s. We got a strange cast of individuals on a stormy beach, perhaps trying to symbolize Sabbath's repatriate of songs. A knight (?), a stupid looking devil (lots of songs about satan/devils), a woman in a strait jacket (paranoid?), an Indian shaman (i don't fucking know),  an angel (Heaven and Hell) a pig looking soldier (WTF is that suppose to represent War Pigs, OMG that is fucking stupid), and a dude wrapped in full body towel (maybe a real life version of the Mobsters on The Mob Rules, if so I was horribly wrong about them being cool). Ronnie, Ronnie, Roinnie, you were leading the boys so well, what the fuck happened?

So after only three years as front man, Dio is out of the band, but the Sabbath train keeps on rolling with Tony and the boys drafting former Deep Purple singer Ian Gillan and releasing Born Again in 1983. The title is an obvious choice, the band is literally born again this being their third incarnation thus far. Most people fucking hate this album, including everyone in Sabbath except for Tony Iommi (Gillan reportedly threw up after first viewing the album), but I kinda like it. That's one fucking scary looking baby, imagine seeing that thing crawl out of some woman's vagina. That little bastard looks like he's ready to kill somebody, and no doctor wanting to live is spanking his ass. The main problem I have with the album is the blue background, it would have looked way more bad-ass with black. Sabbath gave birth to an evil, demon baby, are we really that surprised.

After one album and one tour Gillan quits, so in 1986 guitar god Tony Iommi decides to release a solo album, but wait the money grubbing record executives decided the album would sell better listed as Black Sabbath featuring Tony Iommi; fuckheads. Why would a Black Sabbath album featuring Tony Iommi, he's the fucking arthicet behind their sound and the only member to appear on every fucking album. Tony Iommi fucking is Black Sabbath. On the cover, Tony appears to be wandering out in the badlands or New Mexico or something, rocking a sweet leather jacket, and making sue not to smile or make eye contact with the photographer; like a fucking rock star.

 

Take a good hard look at this album cover. If you're a parent would you allow your child to purchase this. The band's called Black Sabbath, strike one, the album is called The Eternal Idol, possible strike two, and the cover has a naked man pushing himself on the bare boob of a naked female, you're fucking out. The funny thing about this album cover was that it was originally suppose to feature a sculpture by Auguste Rodin (dude sculpted The Thinker) but when the band couldn't secure the rights they just painted two models and had them reinact it. Sigh, Tony why couldn't you have gotten a woman with bigger breasts? I really don't know how I feel about this album. Does it fit Black Sabbath's sound and image? Lol, they're straddling a fucking rock. Oh....and this album came out in 1987, originally with Ray Gillen as the lead singer, but he quit during production and was replaced by Tony Martin.

In 1989, at the close of the 80s, Sabbath again with Tony Martin released Headless Cross. The album really looks like what you would expect from a Black Sabbath album; doom and gloom with some religious references. God almighty that's a big fucking cross, look how huge it is compared to the town below. Perhaps a statement on how religion absolutely dominates the lives and minds of these small town dwellers? Maybe. So I got no complaints about this album, it's not fucking amazing or awesome, but it's good and certainly fits the fill. What I was wondering though, what the fuck is a headless cross? This one seems fully intact. Luckily wikipedia holds the answer I'll cut and paste it here for you ""Headless Cross" is about a part of a town south of Sabbath's native Birmingham, Headless Cross in Redditch, and is reportedly named after all the church crosses were defaced during the plague that struck the town's inhabitants centuries earlier." Neat, god life would suck without wiki.

 Sabbath have found stability with Tony Martin as lead singer (though the other band members keep changing), and released TYR in 1990. TYR is the Norse god of single combat and heroic glory, portrayed as a one-handed man (thanks again wiki). It's nice to see Sabbath taking a break from Satan and Christianity  to explore other stupid (though cool) religions. While it might have been cool to actually have some bad-ass picture of TYR on the cover, this one actually works pretty good. It looks like the cover of some ancient text, ready to take our listeners head first into the realm of Asgard. Rock on boys.

He's back, Ronnie James Dio rejoins the band and reunites the Mob Rules-era Black Sabbath to release Dehumanizer in 1992. I really like the title of this record, emphasising how technology may be making man less human. The cover...well.. it's pretty cool. Some cyborg grim reaper character, electrocuting some kid and turning him into a robot, or computer or something. Hold the phone, this looks like a rip off from Star Wars Return of the Jedi. Robbed Emperor shooting force lightning from his hands at a tortured blond Luke Skywalker, wanting to turn him to the dark side. Ah ha, apparently the dark side is computers. Even the background seems like something out of Star Wars, I know it wasn't released yet (and I fucking hate this movie) but reminds me of the where Obi-Wan and Darth Maul battle in Episode 1. Anywho, nice to have you back Dio, and the album is pretty cool though undeniably dated.

He's back, after Dio quit the band refusing to open for Ozzy (that a boy Ronnie) Tony Martin is back in the band for 1994's Cross Purposes. Now this is a fucking Black Sabbath album. It's dark, sexy, biblical, and brooding.  Definitely dig the hot (I'm assuming blonde) angel get her wings on fire. She's a bad girl, and likes to play with fire and demonic forces; listening to Sabbath can obviously corrupt even the most innocent of creatures. One of, if not, the best Sabbath album cover.

Shit, the live album from a year latter looks pretty bad ass too. You just can't go wrong with burning hot angels.

In 1995, Black Sabbath released their 18th and final (thus far) studio album. Tony Martin is again on vocals, and rapper Ice T from Body Count and latter the tv show Law & Order: SVU guest spots. Sounds weird huh, yay, and the cover is pretty weird too. Actually I take that back, this album isn't weird at all, it's just really shitty. It looks like the cover to some children's Halloween book. I mean it's the right conceptual material for a Sabbath album, but why the fuck is it draw like this and why the fuck is the grim reaper just stupidly sitting on a rock. He is contemplating why the fuck he's there, on an album that should be dark and fucking metal? It's really disturbing, who green lighted this shit. Cross Purposes looked so so good and than you give us this shit, for shame.

Following Forbidden, the original Sabbath reunited with Ozzy again on vocals for several summer runs of Ozzfest and a world tour. In 1998 they released reunion, a live cd that additionally contained two new Sabbath studio tracks. They did a great job here on the cover, showcasing the both the legacy and the dark mythology associated with Sabbath. It's not hard, it's not complicated, just two winged goat children holding up the powerful name Black Sabbath. Nice to see the originals guys finally putting out a cover that isn't fucking stupid, remember the last couple Ozzy Sabbath albums? Fucking retarded.
Although this is a compilation album, 2007's The Dio Years, must be included because it marked the return of Ronnie James Dio to Sabbath and three new studio tracks with him on vocals. The cover is simple and elegant, nothing out of place or stupid here (thank Lemmy). At this point Sabbath were basking in their legacy and long career in metal (with and without Ozzy). Following it's release, the Mob Rules Sabbath lineup decided to form a new band, Heaven and Hell, named after the first Sabbath album with Dio.

Despite the new name (the original Black Sabbath was technically still a band), this is in all accounts a Black Sabbath album. Released in 2009, it would be the last complete studio album featuring Ronnie James Dio before he died of stomach cancer. Look at that album, it's fucking amazing. Evil red, with some kind of demonic creature holding a cross and a snake (remember the garden of evil). We also see a clouded silhouette of some dude being crucified in the background. It's fucking epic, and easily the most bad-ass album the lads have ever release. It just sucks the follow up will now not be happening with the untimely death of Dio (devil horns in the fucking air).

Well that does it for the Sabbath discography, how does it compare to Ozzy's? Well, not as consitant, but definately has more memorable covers, and the good ones make up for the shitty ones.

A Look at Ozzy's Discography

Everyone knows who Ozzy Osbourne is, and if you've lived in America long enough, you've certainly heard one of his many famous Metal anthems. Here at Muse-Zach we've decided to take at look at this legends discography, not talking about the music of course, but instead harshly judging the album covers. Enjoy.

So we begin with the first Black Sabbath album from 1970. Personally I think this album cover is bad-ass, looks like some classic horror movie. We see some quite fall day in an English neighbor and this strange woman dressed in black standing in an alley or corner lot. It's hard to make out her features, but the vibe, helped by the band's name scrolled across the top, warns us all is not right. Way to kick off a career Ozzy.

Released later that same year, Paranoid is a metal classic containing many of the group's most recognized songs. The cover again looks like some strange horror film from the 70s. Standing out in some dark wooded area, a neon bright man is brandishing a sword, looking like he intends to use it, and a medieval style shield. Strangely he also appears to be wearing a cape of some kind, and what looks to be a motorist white helmet on his head. The dude looks zonked out of his mind, and I'm not sure if the three image design is suppose to indicate motion or the fact that this fellow may not be real. Is he paranoid, possibly stoned out in the woods fighting imaginary demons, or are we paranoid thinking something of this bizarre, stoner, Gothic nature resides in the album..hmmm...perhaps I'm over analyzing.

Well the cover for Sabbath's third album kinda sucks. I mean it's not awful I guess, but really there is nothing to it either. Who the fuck though this would make a good album cover. I suppose it does it's job of advertising the band's name so anyone half interested in their music will see it clearly (not hating the purple coloring either), but really this looks like the cover of a single's release, not an entire album. Tisk tisk, we were off to such a strong start too.

Vol. 4 is the fucking shit. Though the cover looks more suited to be a for a Live album, it takes the simplicity of Master of Reality and decides not to fucking suck. It's Sabbath, it's their fourth album, and it's a fucking rocking good time. Also, Ozzy wears yellow surprisingly well.

Yeah the horror film has returned. With an awesome title, we get a depiction of what could turn out to very well be a Bloody Sabbath. Here's my take: Some dude was having the time of his life fooling around with six hotties in his bedroom (oh ya that's my favorite orgy ratio). Apparently he fell into a nightmare or just had the unfortunate luck of having his room possessed by demonic forces. The bitches are now evil and attacking him, as the bed comes to life with a skull head and two long reaching arms looking to choke the poor bastard. Making matters worse, there are two balls of flames at either end of the bed, and an unwelcoming 666 advertised on the headboard. His ultimate fantasy has turned into his parents worse fears, Black Sabbath with bring the devil to kill my poor baby. Here's the album's back picture showing how his once fucking sweet night has turned biblically awful.

The lads are up to album six now and decided to put themselves on the cover; not dreadfully original but from a marketing standpoint it might be a good idea to let the fans know what the band actually looks like. Plus now parents can put a face on those demented bastards they hate so much. Some observational notes: Is the band showing off their wealth and fame in this picture with their fancy clothes and giant fucking mirror. By the way, is that mirror fucking broken, it should be showing their backs, or is it so god dam expensive it shows your reflection without even looking at it. Was Geezer's legs tired, or was hie simply pouting because he thought this photo idea was fucking stupid. Tony looks cool and comfortable, but he may just be relaxed from those purple fums wafting towards him. Bill Ward I have some fashion advise for you, red pants and shoes are not flattering to your figure, though you look better than the reflection standing immediately behind you. Ozzy...what the fuck are you wearing? You honestly look like a woman wearing some kind of black oriental dress, but your ego made a right decision with those boots (haha fuckers I tower over all of you). Ozzy's reflection looks even more girlie. Was the photographer sabotaging Black Sabbath?

So it's 1976, you're a world famous metal band working on your seventh album. You've done the horror shtick a few times, hand your band's name front and center, and even braved putting on your own mug on the cover, but now what? Wait I know, how about sci-fi humor. Yeah, that'll sell a few million records. We'll put two robots fucking while riding an escalator; genius. Seriously though, this cover blows. Why would you put a silver dildo, smeared with patches of ketchup, squirting oil on a skyscraper-man while taking a laser beam to the face on your fucking album cover. Your not an artsy band. Your not a fucking techno band. Your the godfathers of doom, the pioneers and creators of Heavy-Fucking Metal. This shit is stupid and beneath you. The album title sucks too.

One last round with the boys for Ozzy, and the cover is again pretty bizarre. Made by the dude that though up Technical Ecstasy's shit cover, his one is a bit of a head scratcher. I actually kind of like the photo. Those pilots look bad-ass, and I find myself always forgetting their pilots, instead looking on them like their evil mad scientist surgeons out of a Rob Zombie movie or something. I dunno, I suppose a good pilot never says die, and this was Ozzy's last flight with the band (though he probably didnt know it at the time). Just a weird cover for a Black Sabbath album is all I'm saying. Interesting thing about this album though, once I noticed the 'A's in Black Sabbath were turned into pyramids for this cover, I looked back over the previous albums and discovered Sabbath's failure to have a uniformed font for their name. Oh well it doesn't fucking mater.

Alright so from here Ozzy is done with Sabbath until the reunion in the 90's, looking at the albums overall we get 4 that were good, 1 that was good but had pilots on it, 2 that were mediocre, and 1 that sucked. Not so bad, moving on to the Prince of Darkness's solo outing.

Taking the reigns and kicking off a new decade, Ozzy brought back the fright the last couple Sabbath albums had been lacking. We see Ozzy up in some attic, or perhaps a church bell tower, performing a dark ritual. He as a black cat (bad), a human skull (bad), some kind of animal antlers (cool), and is clasping tight to a wooden cross while possing for the camera. An all around good cover, Ozzy looks young and ready to fuck some shit up. Parents, in case you forgot, Ozzy is again using biblical references and imagery to melt off your teenagers face.

Ozzy's second solo album, out a year later, was just as good as his first, and like the album, the cover followed the same if-it-aint-broke-dont-fix-it formula. The scene from Diary of A Madman to have occurred shortly after the scene for Blizzard of Ozz. The ritual now over, Ozzy is transformed into some kind of were-wolf creature and has wandered down into the lower level of where ever the hell her is. He's wearing the same clothes, though now they are appropriately ripped, covered in blood, and the shirt is blackened; burned perhaps. Ozzy seems to be having fun, and the little kid in the background is having a laugh at whatever book he's reading (probably the Bible; ya it's fucking stupid). Like the up side down cross on the wall. Another solid cover for the Ozzman.

We didn't really do it for Sabbath, but here is a live album from Ozzy circa 1982. Released to out due his former band's about to be released live album Live Evil , as well as an unofficial Sabbath album Live at Last released in 1980, it's all Sabbath songs here boys. The cover is simple and pretty awesome. Titled Speak of the Devil, we get a close up shot of Ozzy on his throne, fanged and looking very devilish. Watch out Tony, Ozzy's looking to tear Sabbath's future down and proclaim himself Prince of Darkness.

The transformation began in Blizzard of Ozz seems to be completed on 1983's Bark at The Moon. Ozzy is now a woolly monster roaming the countryside. I wonder now, was it the strange ritual that changed Ozzy into this creature, or was it the moon? Oh wait, how foolish of me, the ritual make him demonic and therefore further enhanced by the moon's presence; that's it. So far cover wise, Ozzy is doing good. He's consistent and giving the fans what they want; a dark twisted Ozzy.

After a three year wait, Ozzy released The Ultimate Sin in 1986. The golden era of Ozzy's solo career were over and Randy Rhoads was a distancing memory. First impressions of this album cover: WTF. It seems that perhaps a nuclear bomb of some kind has gone off, mutating the monster Ozzy into some kind of dragon creature. Of course that theory does not account for the strange woman beside Ozzy, perhaps a witch or demon woman of some kind who also could have contributed to Ozzy's change. I don't know, the albums sucks. It's like that late 80s Heavy Metal Movie drawing shit. Problem is the chick really isn't that hot, though her ass looks good, and Ozzy looks fucking stupid. Now I understand why Ozzy changed the name of this album at the last minute, I'm feeling The Ultimate Sin sums up the shittnes better than Giant Killer would have.

Another live album, this time as a tribute to late Ozzy guitarist Randy Rhoads five years after his untimely death. Gotta love that picture of Ozzy holding up Rhoads in concert. Though their partnership was short lived, Rhoads' distinct guitar sound on classic tracks like "Crazy Train" showed everyone Ozzy had a career post-Sabbath. 

Eight years into his solo career, Ozzy seems to have recovered from whatever voodoo, ritual monster curse that was afflicting him at the start of this decade. Human again, Ozzy either has possessed three young girls who live with him in some kind of Witch Doctor laire, or he simply was pronounced their leader after stumbling across them in some backwoods part of the world. This is why little girls shouldn't listen to Heavy Metal, they immediately fall in with the wrong crow, get possessed by demons, worship Ozzy, and dress like poor people. Where were their parents, tisk tisk. Album cover definitely not as good as earlier entries, but hey man, I can dig it. What's that little girl shouting at Ozzy? Fucking feed us!, lol.

Three years later, we enter Ozzy's third decade as a recording artist. Umm, Ozzy seems a lot mellower in the 90s. I don't know what the fuck happened to him from ruling over some glazed eyed little girls, but now we're all up close and personal. If his name wasn't on the album I'd barely recognize the man. The background is some kind of hazy fog or cloud action, so maybe Ozzy's dead (those lil bastards) or calmly searching the inside of his subconscious (that's some deep shit). Either way it's odd to see the dude wearing little angel wings, also were is the joy Ozzy. On this and your last album, you don't look like you're having a devilish good time. Your music is suppose to make me want to party and do wicked things, but here it feels a little churchy. Are you depressed, trying to convince yourself not to cry (hence the title)? Hey bra, I know it's hard leaving the 80s behind you but there are good days ahead. You still have to invent Ozzfest and reunite with Sabbath, plus your own reality TV show awaits. Chin up Ozzy.

Another live album from 1993, Ozzy's head is in a speaker. Really not much ground to cover here album cover wise. Oh ya and i guess I forgot to include 1990's live album Just Say Ozzy. Album cover is graffiti and guess it's kinda cool, but only kinda.

By 1995 it is clear our good buddy Ozzy is off the beaten path, at least when it comes to album covers. We wait four years after No More Tears and we get this shit. This isn't cool or creepy, it just looks fuckin stupid. If you removed all the eye balls and mouths appear over this body, than you would have a somewhat creepy, though still strange Ozzy cover. I'm pretty sure that's not even Ozzy in the photo, and I have no idea if he contributed photos of his own eyes and mouth. Is Ozzmosis some horrible state of mind where you think everyone is looking at you, and talking about you? I dunno, should have kept it simple and done something cool. What the hell did those lil brats do you to Ozzy, you need to get out of this album funk. Oh my god it's gotten worse. Ozzy enters the 2000's by releasing Down to Earth in '01. Fuck this album cover is bad. Maybe for a fleeting moment it was cool at the start of the new millennium but I really doubt it. It looks like the dude from the Ozzmosis cover either died, or is getting a really creep spiritual kat-scan (while wearing pants). There are additional heads on either side screaming, perhaps invoking some inner torment, as the vessel approaches heaven or where ever the fuck it's going. Definatly some cross imagery invoked here. Why Ozzy, why put this shit out, it immediately looks outdated, and not in the cool outdated vibe of your classic solo albums.

God dam Ozzy releases a lot of live albums, but it's nice to actually see him again on the cover. He's looking older, crazier, and in dire need of medication. I didn't expect to say much about this cover, but after the last two horrible entries, man this is a breathe of fresh air; rock on Ozzy.                                                                                            Three years after the live album, Ozzy put out this covers album in 2005. Nice sleek cover. Close up of Ozzy's face, and a deviled version hiding in his glasses, in a cross. Sure it's generic, but at least it's not shit.

In 2007, Ozzy released a studio album of all new music, and you know what? The album cover doesn't suck. Actually it's pretty fucking awesome. It's clear to me what happened here, Ozzy returned to the girl possessed village of yore, the girls obviously had grown up, one thing lead to another and Ozzy walks away as their village and bodies burn in the distance. From Ozzy's face it's clear he gets no joy from taking out what must have been very tasty village girls, but hey a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do, and those bitches put in an album cover decline it took decades to recover from. Glad to have you back Ozzy, burn them all down, burn those fuckers strait to hell and than old-man zombie walk your way home.                 Beginning yet another decade, Ozzy kicked off 2010 with a brand new album. Though this album certainly is not as cool as Black Rain's, at this point I'm just glad it's not a abomination. Leaving the village in smoldering ashes, Ozzy apparently climbed a fucking mountain and declared war on all nay sayers (or perhaps all children). Ozzy's wings from the 90s have also returned, and are prepared so swoop down on your candy ass. Oh make no mistake Ozzy is an old fuck, but he has the money, the resources, and the time to make sure you either die a horrible unspeakable death, or have your soul turn as black as the flag he angrily grips in his left hand. Ozzy's coming fuckhead and he's going to make you scream!

So there you have it a look at Ozzy's discography. Will Ozzy put out another album (or Sabbath with Ozzy) and will it suck. Only time will tell my dear friends, only time.