Jabba?
George Lucas likes you, he thinks you're a good person and treasures you as a consumer and Star Wars fan. There are however a few things about your relationship with George that he would like to improve upon, not that he doesn't like you and think you're great, but things didn't end up exactly as he originally envisioned. What changes you ask? Well, for starters there's your lack of spending on LucasArts products and merchandise, but don't worry about that now, there are going to be a number of changes, both big and small, over the next 30 or so years; plenty of time to worry about that later. For now let's focus on the coming changes I feel George should make to the Star Wars Series, since he can't seem to keep his fucking hands off these movies.
1. Kill Jarjar
George it's time to face facts, a lot of your fans have fallen into the Lucas Haters Camp. Time to win those nay-sayers back with some well thought out bonus scenes, and the first should obviously be the death of the much hated (fucking hated) Jarjar Binks. Ignite new interest in Reveng of The Sith by having Jarjar face some awesome death in the prequel finale. Have Anakin cut him in half, a battle droid shot him in the fucking head, Palpatine lightning him to a yummy fish fry death, or maybe he just trips and snaps his own dumbass neck. You can pick George, just get it done. I'll spell it out real simple for ya here: Happy Fanboys = More Money.
2. Dialouge
Another hard truth George, you suck at writing dialouge. No where is this more obvious than in Episode 1, with basically everything Anakin says. Originally I was going to ask you to just re-cast Anakin and digitally replace the fucking horrible (horrible) Jake Lloyd with some other kid who can actually act and deliver dialogoue convincingly. But since most of your changes so far have been a little less epic (lazy), plenty of damage can be repaired by just having a skilled wordsmith re-do your giant failure. Or if this still sounds like too much work (I know you have toys to peddle), delet the "Are You An Angel" scene and I'll never insult your dialouge skills again (this is a big deal George, for god sake's have you watched any of the dialouge scenes between Anakin and Padme in Episode 2 (or 3)).
3. Qui-Gon
So....remember how you were originally going to have Qui-Gon Jinn appear in Revenge of The Sith, kinda like Obi-Won in the original trilogy, but Liam Neeson was injured in a motorcycle accident....shoot that scene. Another fanboy pleaser, and it's way better than just having Yoda mention him in a retarded scene meant to explain how old Ben could give Luke advise beyond the grave. (Whooooo).
4. Ewoks
For a lot of hard core Star Wars fans, this was the first complaint George, the fucking teddy bears you have foiling the Galatic Empire in Return of The Jedi (how are we suppose to take the Empire seriously if they can't even overtake the Teddy Bear's Picnic). Now I saw the original trilogy as a little tyke, so I do not labor the hatred other fans do towards Wickett and company, but I hear where they're coming from. Well since you originally wanted the Ewok world to actually be inhabited by Wookies (hence going to their planet in Episode 3) why not digitally reshoot the end of Return of The Jedi so it's believeable when the Empire gets whipped by furry tree inhabitants. I mean you already deleted the Ewok celebration song from the DVD version of Star Wars, so let's see how it looks one step further.
5. Palpatine
George, if you want the original trilogy to match up with the prequel trilogy (there is a lot of shit you need to fix) there is one scene in particular that really grinds my gears. We meet Emperor Palpatine in the flesh for the first time in Return of the Jedi (he as a brief hologram scene in Empire Strikes Back) and the dude appears to be really old and really evil. For some reason George, you felt the need to explain Palpatine's wrinklyness in Revenge of the Sith, having the Emperor's own force lightning reflected off Mace Windu's lightsaber (purple) the cause of his disfigurement. This is fucking stupid. You should have just left the Emperor looking dashing and healthy (why the fuck would the senate trust this fucking monster of a person) and the cause of this later wrinkleness could just be explained to older age and his growing in power and evil. This additionally makes no god dam sense when you have the Emperor lightening the shit out of Luke at the end of Return of the Jedi and his skin looks fine and dandy afterwards. Re-do the scene George, correct a few of your amazingly moronic mistakes.
6. Noooooooooooooooo
No, no, no George. Get rid of the fucking nooooooooo at the fucking end of fucking Revenge of The Sith. The making of Darth Vader should have been a magical moment George, instead it's a fucking Frankenstein tragedy (and I like Frankenstien). Anakin blunders off the operating table like a fucking kid on stilts pretending he's a fucking robot. Of course the crown jewel of the whole scene is the ridiculous Nooooo Anakin belows like a retard after learning to walk. Fix this shit George, and don't even think of releasing this new scene on Blueray:
Ok George, since the end goal is to make all the Star Wars stuff line up all nice and proper, let's not forget about the Christmas Speical (it's where Boba Fett had his debut). I know you hate it George, but hey I hate the prequel trilogy so this making things line up is going to take some give and take. Since we visit the Wookie homeworld of Kashyyyk in Revenge of The Sith why not insert a scene with Chewbacca's family. It'll be fun George, and if you take my Ewok advise we can add a scene with the family there too; Chewbacca's son Lumpy can finally be in Return of The Jedi.
5. Palpatine
George, if you want the original trilogy to match up with the prequel trilogy (there is a lot of shit you need to fix) there is one scene in particular that really grinds my gears. We meet Emperor Palpatine in the flesh for the first time in Return of the Jedi (he as a brief hologram scene in Empire Strikes Back) and the dude appears to be really old and really evil. For some reason George, you felt the need to explain Palpatine's wrinklyness in Revenge of the Sith, having the Emperor's own force lightning reflected off Mace Windu's lightsaber (purple) the cause of his disfigurement. This is fucking stupid. You should have just left the Emperor looking dashing and healthy (why the fuck would the senate trust this fucking monster of a person) and the cause of this later wrinkleness could just be explained to older age and his growing in power and evil. This additionally makes no god dam sense when you have the Emperor lightening the shit out of Luke at the end of Return of the Jedi and his skin looks fine and dandy afterwards. Re-do the scene George, correct a few of your amazingly moronic mistakes.
6. Noooooooooooooooo
No, no, no George. Get rid of the fucking nooooooooo at the fucking end of fucking Revenge of The Sith. The making of Darth Vader should have been a magical moment George, instead it's a fucking Frankenstein tragedy (and I like Frankenstien). Anakin blunders off the operating table like a fucking kid on stilts pretending he's a fucking robot. Of course the crown jewel of the whole scene is the ridiculous Nooooo Anakin belows like a retard after learning to walk. Fix this shit George, and don't even think of releasing this new scene on Blueray:
Shame George, shame.
7. Christmas Special
Ok George, since the end goal is to make all the Star Wars stuff line up all nice and proper, let's not forget about the Christmas Speical (it's where Boba Fett had his debut). I know you hate it George, but hey I hate the prequel trilogy so this making things line up is going to take some give and take. Since we visit the Wookie homeworld of Kashyyyk in Revenge of The Sith why not insert a scene with Chewbacca's family. It'll be fun George, and if you take my Ewok advise we can add a scene with the family there too; Chewbacca's son Lumpy can finally be in Return of The Jedi.
8. Bring Sexy Back
Know what George, Star Wars just isn't sexy enough. If you want horny teenagers and Europeans to love your space odyssey than injecting a little more sex can go a long way. So how should we solve this problem? Well let's leave the original trilogy alone (my god have you seen Carrie Fischer lately (though I guess we could get a body double; no CGI)) but I think we can do some work on the prequels; namely Natalie Portman. She's too young in Episode 1 and we get to see her in a few sexy outfits in Episode 2, but in Episode 3 she went way to conservative; so here's where the work should be done. Think of this Georgey Boy, you love divulging how your characters came to be in the prequels so how about you shoot a new scene for Revenge of The Sith codenamed "The Making of Luke and Leia". This fun adult scene (don't even try to tell me this movie is made for kids seeing how their literally slaughtered in it) would show the conception of Luke and Leia from Padme and Anakin. Fanboys will literally be overcum with joy at this news and spend hours watching the scene. A little further advice George, get a little artsy with the scene, have Anakin shrouded in darkness to foreshadow his coming evil and have a light of light and mainly showcase the wonderful Natalie Portman.
9. Gin
Know what George, Star Wars just isn't sexy enough. If you want horny teenagers and Europeans to love your space odyssey than injecting a little more sex can go a long way. So how should we solve this problem? Well let's leave the original trilogy alone (my god have you seen Carrie Fischer lately (though I guess we could get a body double; no CGI)) but I think we can do some work on the prequels; namely Natalie Portman. She's too young in Episode 1 and we get to see her in a few sexy outfits in Episode 2, but in Episode 3 she went way to conservative; so here's where the work should be done. Think of this Georgey Boy, you love divulging how your characters came to be in the prequels so how about you shoot a new scene for Revenge of The Sith codenamed "The Making of Luke and Leia". This fun adult scene (don't even try to tell me this movie is made for kids seeing how their literally slaughtered in it) would show the conception of Luke and Leia from Padme and Anakin. Fanboys will literally be overcum with joy at this news and spend hours watching the scene. A little further advice George, get a little artsy with the scene, have Anakin shrouded in darkness to foreshadow his coming evil and have a light of light and mainly showcase the wonderful Natalie Portman. 9. Gin
If you've watched RedletterMedia's awesome reviews of the prequels, you know that Qui-Gon Jinn is a fucking idiot. Pretty much every decision he makes is stupid and short sided. To explain this away George, add new scenes of Gin drunk, rambling stupid Jedi sayings, reeking of booze, and consulting his flask whenever decisions need to be made. Just another small change that will drastically improve the godawfullness of Episode 1.
10. Delete
Hmmm.....George, let's actually forget all my previous points and just delete the prequel trilogy. Yes, just delete that awful shit and pretend it never happened. If you really want to make some new Star Wars Movies, make Timothy Zahn's Thrawn Trilogy. You of course won't direct any of the films or have in part in the screenplay, but feel free to fund it and give yourself an Executive Producer credit.
Sad Note: Might be too late for these films, which originally take place five years after Return of the Jedi if we use the original cast (have you seen Carrie Fischer lately). I still think it's worth a try.
Dude you use fucking like the and and. You just need to shut up and watch star wars and find the good things in it. so stop talking bad about star wars.
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